Welcome back to our somewhat disgustingly named mini-feature, Nibble My Sad (sponsored by FOTB Zach Gibson), in which I discuss bite-sized pieces of sad, usually found on the YouTubes. Previously on this feature, I made fun of dead people. (Well technically, a dumb montage meant to honor dead people. But still.)
Today we’re delving into sad movie trailers for the first time. Here is the trailer for the upcoming sad film The Vow, starring Rachel McAdams (SWOON) and Channing Tatum (not as swoon for me personally, but for the ladies/gays, SWOON indeed).
0:07: Aww they’re getting married! (Ohhh the VOW. Like wedding vows. I totally get it.) Rachel’s got her bangs workin’. She out-Zooey Deschanels Zooey Deschanel. Full disclosure: I would marry her.
0:11: Channing Tatum is talking now, so I'm leaning closer. The man tends to mumble. There’s a guy in a top hat. Lots of paintings on the wall. This wedding is weird…
0:16: …because they broke into a museum, I guess, and got married there. Security is called and they run away. What the hell kind of wedding is that? Were there even pictures? Music? A cake? Come on now. But yeah I get it. They’re quirky. And probably poor.
0:23: Channing’s doing a bit of voice-over narration, which is not his strength. “Life’s all about moments ashglabsbhjsb.” So mumbly!! I had to rewind it three times to figure out that he says “of impact” there.
0:27: Montage of clips of them being in love. He makes her pancakes with the words “MOVE IN?” arranged in blueberries, to which she says, “You want to go see a movie?” Is she illiterate? Is that why the movie is sad? LET’S FIND OUT.
0:40: OK so here it is. They’re kissing in a parked car in some back alley or something, and a truck plows into them. Every teenager knows not to kiss in parked cars that aren’t protected by other parked cars. It’s not worth it. Very easy to be found out that way. Also, this is kind of their own fault.
0:45: She’s in the hospital. He’s standing over her wearing scrubs, and she says, “Was anyone else hurt, doctor?” I think it’s extremely unrealistic to ask us to believe that anyone, even someone who was just in a car accident, would think that Channing Tatum is a doctor.
1:06: Oh wow what a coincidence that they’re releasing this on Valentine’s Day!
1:08: Channing’s upset, and the nurse/doctor says that Rachel’s memory will improve with time. Now (much like Channing) I’m no doctor, but is that true? Does that happen? Is this going to be one of those movies where they make up some sort of medical condition that’s not real?
1:15: Obviously it’s weird for Rachel, because she doesn’t remember anything. She sees all these pictures of them together, goes to the apartment in which they live, etc. But at a certain point, if the evidence was that overwhelming, wouldn’t you just go with it? Especially considering how handsome everyone seems to think Channing Tatum is? If I woke up in the hospital tomorrow and Rachel McAdams was claiming to be my wife, I would instantly go with it.
1:20: OK this is by far my favorite part of the trailer. The marketing folks are thinking, "OK, we’ve got two recognizable stars in Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum. People know who they are. BUT. They’re in all kinds of different movies, which might confuse people. How can we really hammer home what kind of movie this is so that people will know what they're getting into. (We'll assume the fact that it’s about a woman who loses her memory and forgets who her husband is hasn’t already tipped people off.) This is how: we'll REFERENCE THE NICHOLAS SPARKS MOVIES THAT THEY WERE IN in the trailer. 'From The Notebook: Rachel McAdams.' 'From Dear John: Channing Tatum.'"
They might as well have said: “From the previous films in which they did their best to make you cry, much like they’re about to do in this movie: Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum. PS this movie is a tearjerker.”
1:25: AND they threw in a shirtless Channing Tatum moment. Women are already lining up for this movie.
1:34: “How do you look at the girl you love and schslcrucbsusbbfsurbs.”
1:37: They show the words “Can a once in a lifetime love find a second chance?” IMMEDIATELY followed by a wedding scene (different from the museum one we had previously seen). So, yes. Yes it can find a second chance.
1:45: A one-second shot of a smarmy-looking guy (presumably one who tries to pick up Amensiac McAdams after the accident), immediately followed by Channing Tatum punching him in the face. (I’m sure he had it coming.)
1:48: She has like ten different hairstyles/colors in this trailer alone. Do amnesiacs do that? Do they just forget what hairstyle looks good on them and keep trying new things?
1:49: Am I wrong, or does it look like they’re in a parked car there? Is it the same one from the accident? If not, HAVEN’T THEY LEARNED THEIR LESSON?
1:51: So there it is. Apparently it’s based on a true story. Will that stop me from seeing it and talking about how unrealistic it is? In the words of Channing Tatum, “frsufrsusrfsmamsfmfs."